Is an opulent gay wedding really progress?

Last night a friend was telling me that one of his colleagues – a gay man – just proposed to his companion. With the recent approval of same-gender marriage, this is great that people can do this. It’s a true celebration of the achievements of the gay rights movement and the progression of society. But when I heard that the happy couple wants to have a big bash wedding and reception at the Newseum (rental alone is in the 10’s of thousands), I had to give pause. Earlier in the day, I heard a news story from Maryland about some legislative snags in a bill to approve gay marriage in that state. A legislator from Montgomery County stated that this issue is about civil rights. I have to say, when I put these two items together, I’m not as passionate about the cause.

The issue for me is not about marriage. I absolutely celebrate the rights of all to marry, and have been the benefit of such support. However, if we in the gay community are going to consider our cause a part of the larger civil rights and social justice movement, we should also be challenging each other in extending compassion and consideration to others. Personally, I’m not speaking up for gay rights so that wealthy gays and lesbians can have 6-figure weddings; I call the ability to marry "progress, but not the 6-figure wedding. To me, it’s just a gay form of greed, selfishness and conspicuous consumption and these are at the real basis of any true civil rights issue, in my opinion.

It saddens me to see a segment of our society that knows what it is to be marginalized acquire rights and then gleefully spends while forgetting that there are those who continue to be marginalized. To celebrate that greed and materialism transcend race, color and sexual orientation is no celebration at all. It’s a slap in the face of those still in need, and until we get serious about the underlying issues and connections, there will be no true equality.

"With a Special Welcome to Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgendered"

At the local Friends Meeting, there is a smaller Meeting for Worship that meets at the same time as the big Meeting. I prefer the smaller meeting - the room seems more comfortable, and the spoken messages are fewer and, as a consequence, tend to be more centered. I say this cautiously, not wanting to pooh-pooh messages, but I have heard enough messages about Quaker righteousness to be happy for quite a while. There was also once a spoken message that was more of a plug for the Nominating Committee.

But, while I prefer the small Meeting, there is one thing that gnaws at me: most Sundays, the post-Meeting message is that this gathering has a "special welcome to people who are glbt". I understand that, prior to the last decade (or two), this was perhaps a necessary statement. I also know that this is very much the origins of this smaller meeting. But in 2010, in a city that now has legal gay marriage, I think that this welcoming message in the present tense is patronizing and out of touch. I also know that there are many in the Meeting who carry the scars and wounds from the time when this message was necessary. The repetition of the message in the present tense doesn't mesh with modern DC, but is really an homage to the past. To keep repeating the message also suggests that glbt folks are more welcome at this small Meeting than at the big Meeting, and that's not at all true.

Here's what I would suggest: drop "With a special welcome...". Perhaps replace this with something like "Welcome to this smaller Meeting, with its origins in being as a special welcoming place for glbt folks. We celebrate that this special welcome is no longer needed, but there are still many of us who appreciate the comforts of this smaller, often more quiet space."

Acceptance and Reconciliation: Two very different acts

At last weekend's Chicago Gay Pride Parade, a friend of mine brought a group of people to stand in the crowd in t-shirts that said quite simply "I'm Sorry". The group also had signs, one of which said "I used to be a Bible-banging Homophobe - Sorry". This friend, Andrew Marin (Founder of The Marin Foundation and author of the book "Love is an Orientation") has been doing some amazing work in the conservative/evangelical community over the past decade, growing in his ministry and using his life to build bridges. Andrew has a growing network of people who look at the movement of gay rights at this point not as a series of marches and protests, or as a campaign of tolerance and acceptance, but as a work of reconciliation and forgiveness. Here is a wonderful posting about the spirit of this work.

I have increasingly felt that the work of reconciliation is right up the alley of Friends. As Peacemakers, reconciliation and forgiveness are vital to healing wounds so that we can move forward. It is a definite work of faith and heart. Too often, however, I think we get stuck on tolerance and acceptance, and it creates blindspots. Too often I have encountered Friends who have no idea that there has been a fairly dramatic change in the attitudes of evangelicals and conservatives with regards to the glbt community. My own sense is that this is because, in our desire to be accepting of all people, we often falsely believe that our acceptance alone is enough to bring healing. This is not so. And as cycles of violence tend to repeat themselves, we may be standing at a juncture where we Friends are perpetuating the cycles by not recognizing this. If we do not recognize that there are people like Andrew out there (and there are many), then we miss an opportunity to be a part of the reconciliation process. In doing so, we may also be falsely casting aspersions on people who are more accepting of the glbt-community than we know, and for this, at some point, we also will have to give apologies.

What we cannot do is hide behind our walls and claim that we will only change our beliefs about "Christians" and the gay community when we see it. We have to travel outside our comfort zones - as Andrew has done - with eyes wide open and deep love in our hearts. It is out there and has been for many years. We have to stop asking for the changes, but instead asking ourselves why we continue to not see what is very much there?

Gays in the Military

In this morning's Washington Post, some military folks wrote an editorial about gays in the military - and how they should not be allowed (see http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/14/AR2009041402704.html). What is most interesting for me is not so much what these writers adhere to (and the amazing loopholes in their thinking - it's not as if you can tell who's gay by his/her skin color, and it is not uncommon for people to come to grips with their sexual orientation at about the same time they would be in the military); what is most interesting are the comments made by readers. They are a clear example of the desperate need for the art of dialog. I have written before that love and logic will be the means through which our world will come together; both of these are necessary. Unfortunately, we too often start with logic; I think we need to start more with love, and then engage in dialog. Maybe we could also ask ourselves to consider supporting the ban on gays as a starting point to get all people out of the military?

I also think learning, practicing and engaging in dialog that is led by love is something that those of us who are truly passionate about non-violence and doing what we can to remove the occasions for future violence should start to embrace. Anywhere we turn in the world, it seems that there is an edge of violence in the air, and we can expect more as people become more fearful, and more vulnerable. I know that for many, glbt issues are not at the forefront of people's minds but, as with HIV-prevention, I think that how we can engage in these issues can be good opportunities for practicing how to deal with some of the more difficult issues. The issues are becoming more prominent in the media (two examples: http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid78359.asp, and http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/14/AR2009041403455.html), so we may as well get involved.

Progress on gay rights

Over the past few months, there has been an enormous amount of movement on the rights of same gender-couples to get married. We all know about California and the voter decision to support Prop 8. There was also, in November, legislation in Florida and Arizona that put various restrictions on same gender families. But then, this week alone, Iowa courts and Vermont legislature made same-gender marriage a reality in those states. The District of Columbia is taking similar action. On a national level, there has been increased discussion about letting civil unions be the rule of the land for all people, and marriages be the acts of churches - a compromise that for many seems to have merit.

At the same time, in Iraq, (see NYTimes article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/08/world/middleeast/08gay.html?_r=1&emc=eta1) there is a backlash in some of the more conservative regions against gay men. As quoted from the article: "Clerics in Sadr City have urged followers to help root out homosexuality in Iraqi society, and the police have begun their own crackdown on gay men. 'Homosexuality is against the law,' said Lt. Muthana Shaad, at a police station in the Karada district, a neighborhood that has become popular with gay men. 'And it’s disgusting.' For the past four months, he said, officers have been engaged in a 'campaign to clean up the streets and get the beggars and homosexuals off them.'”

All progress has elements of violent reactivity. No doubt that there is a rapid change in the expansion of gay rights, but we can expect an increase in reactivity as well, unfortunately. It always seems to be a part of the struggle.

I think it is important that we as Friends and Friend-communities look to see what we can do to support the movement. Paradoxically, I do not think that what we should do is create a litmus test for gay marriage. I just don't think society as a whole is there yet. But I think we can create allies for gay marriage among those whom are not yet there, but who are repulsed by people such as Fred Phelps (see www.godhatesfags.com), and by the attitudes of Lt. Shaad as quoted in the Times. Patience and perseverance will get us there, with a dash of faith. We know that opponents to gay marriage are gearing up, and their tactic is going to be to divide, and let gay marriage be the dividing issue. If we react along these lines, rather than continue to reach across these lines to those who are not at the far extreme but just on other side of the line, we will do more harm than good. To react divisively plays right into the "us vs. them" game. I, for one, will continue to look to expand who the "us" is rather than focus on "them".