Holding pain and reconciliation

It is a constant challenge to do social justice work as a pacifist. For those of us who are passionate about building bridges, one of the tricks is to find a way that holds and honors the justified pains of those who have been hurt in their journey, while at the same time honoring those who have chosen different paths and even reaching out to those who have participated in perpetuating the hurt either in actions, in messages, or through silence. As Genocide Watch posits, step one to genocide is to divide between us and them so, if we are to get to the root causes of this cycle of violence, at some point we have to look at how we might sit in judgment of who the bad people are, and how this is divisive.

It takes patience, and is very gentle work that also I am finding takes a fair amount of fortitude. I experienced some of the challenges first hand with the military potluck we hosted at William Penn House last November, and I find that the challenges are very similar when it comes to advancing gay rights. It really is about a process, not a topic, but each topic or issue provides an opportunity to explore the process. Gay/Lesbian rights is just such a topic to both explore and learn how to walk this what can at times feel like a mine field.

Prior to moving to Washington, I was exposed to a deeper level of reflection about social issues when I lived in Wheaton, IL. There were many gays and lesbians in Wheaton, most of whom chose to live in this town despite the reputation and reality that this is a very conservative town. Just prior to that, I had been living in Oak Park, IL and working on the northside of Chicago, both very gay-friendly areas, but not necessarily communities that shared the depth of faith or reflection that a town like Wheaton does. My upbringing in a secular humanist family prepared me much more for places like Oak Park than Wheaton, but here I was. I quickly learned two important things: the first is that groups are not as easy to stereotype, and the second perhaps most important learning, but one that flows from the first, is that when we engage in relationships with open ears and hearts, not only will we see things we never expected, but all participants in the experience can truly be transformed.

So after I moved to Washington, DC, I find that many monthly and yearly Quaker meetings are struggling with what kinds of relationships they want to maintain with Friends United Meeting (because of FUM's hiring policy that excludes any person who is in a relationship that is not legally sanctioned). The struggle seemed to be between our commitment to stay connected and part of a global community and at the same time not perpetuate or re-open the wounds of those who we love who have been hurt. Reconciliation, forgiveness and healing are concepts that come to mind when I think about things like this.

We recently held a potluck at William Penn House, and invited 3 men who were raised in very conservative Christian families and communities. Unlike so many of us gay people who have distanced ourselves from the Bible and chosen to focus on the spirit rather than the letter of the Bible for our own protection (or, in many cases, completely walked away from religion), these men have done the exact opposite. They (and others I have met) so deeply love the Bible that they could not walk away and yet they were not going to live life as a lie. I met these guys through The Gay Christian Network, and I have met others who have had similar journeys. What I found walking the secular humanist/liberal faith circle was that there were not many voices like these emerging and these voices are the kind that might help bridge the divides.

What has stuck with me the most is quite simply "LOVE". I have learned that many people whom we would call "homophobes" are driven by love - for God, and for their gay children who they fear won't get to heaven, and that thought is unbearable. These men who spoke at the potluck deeply love the Bible, and could not fathom that God - who made them - would also hold the judgments of condemnation that they had been taught. So they searched deeper. They know that there will always be those who reject them and accuse them of twisting the Bible, but I found that they have given me tools for holding the dialog. A big one, for example, is for me not to run from a discussion because I do not know the Bible, but to instead ask a person if he she can explain not just the verse and what it means, but also what the context is - meaning, what was going on in this story of the Bible?

So this is our dilemma. Do we, as Friends, love our Faith - especially that there is that of God in All - so much that we will not walk away from loving all because people we love have been hurt? Do we not also love the children and young adults in those faith traditions where hurt might be perpetuating? Can we consciously share this love for its power of reconciliation, or do we merely walk away from the conflict? When we say we welcome all people, or consider our Meetings to be "open and affirming", do we really open ourselves to the diverse experiences that walk through the door? And, finally, does "open and affirming" mean the same thing as "reconciling"?